Funny one-liners

-I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car

-Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

-Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

-We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

-Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

-We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

-Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

-Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

-My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

-Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

-Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

-Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says «If an emergency, notify:» I put «DOCTOR». What’s my mother going to do?

-He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

-My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

-I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

-I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

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